When Tragedies Occur, Start A Conversation

When I was about 7 years old, I heard news about a major earthquake in California.

Not knowing much about such things, I decided that if I used the belt from my bathrobe to tie myself to the handles of my mattress each night, I would bounce  to safety if there was a seismic occurrence while I slept. I never discussed this with anyone.

Kids hear and know more then we think they do. It is generally better to discuss these events like the recent earthquake and Tsunami in Japan as a family than to let kids' imaginations run wild and have unnecessary anxieties, fears or outlandish solutions -- like creative uses of bathrobes -- develop. You can't "fix" the problem, but you can help ease your child's fears and help them cope.

When dealing with a tragedy, whether it's global or personal, experts agree that it's important to allow kids to talk about how they feel regarding the event.  This is a moment to teach children about some of the more challenging realisms of life.

But kids don’t ask questions unless they feel that you are receptive. When your child asks questions, it’s important to respond with answers that are simple, honest and age appropriate.

Some tips:

• Don't assume that your child wants a lot of details, let them ask questions and direct the depth of conversation.
• Ask open ended questions and find out how much they know.
• Honest does not mean graphic. Remember too that some questions are based in fear, some are just the fabulous curiosity of a child’s ever expanding mind.

Trying to keep bad news away from children (except especially young ones) is a struggle in today’s wired world. One study by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that kids today spend almost six and a half hours a day on media.

But in the event of a large-scale tragedy, you may decide that media coverage is a useful tool.  If you want to pre-screen their viewin, the internet can be an amazing tool. This can help you to be composed as you watch a story unfold and take away the anxiety of your children potentially seeing more than you think they can handle. PBS.org has a good guide to discussing the news with your children; their age-by-age insights can help you understand how kids process what they see on TV.  

Once your child has told you what they know, you can let them know you were paying attention by summarizing what they told you. “So, Paula, you think your sister is in the hospital because of the argument you had.” Younger children often create fantasies to help them cope, it is important to convey to them that they did not do something to cause the event. Use this chance to correct any misperceptions and reassure the child the tragedy was not their fault and that they are safe now. It will open lines of communication that will benefit all of you in the future. 

Some children may not be prepared to speak about what they have heard, but may find drawing or other creative activities helpful to deal with their emotions and stress. Their drawings can be helpful starting points for conversation. 

Some important reminders:

• You can't worsen children's fears by having this conversation multiple times. Children like to ask the same questions over and over to reassure themselves that your answers are consistent. Even if you have answered the question "Can a Tsunami come here?" 25 times, try to respect your child's fears.
• Remind older siblings that is is not helpful to say things like “you're being a baby for being afraid of that.” Never make a child feel ashamed about being scared. While you don't want to be overprotective and let your child avoid all his fears, you don't want to push them too far out of their comfort zone, either.
• Phrases like "don't worry about it" or "you will be fine" discount a child's fears. Encouraging them to discuss their fears openly will let them know that you are available to support them when they need it.  Children primarily are looking for you to assure them of their safety. 
•  As adults are more experienced with their coping skills it may help to talk with your child about how you cope with your fears
•  When tragedies occur, children ( being egocentric) often wonder if the same event could happen in their hometown. If it was an act of nature that could not be repeated in your area, tell them that.  If there is a real possibility, acknowledge it and discuss what safety measures are in place.  
• A child that has dealt with a recent loss, such as the death of a loved one (including pets), a divorce or other traumatic event is more likely to have trouble adjusting. 

So what to do after that conversation?

When you are done speaking, ask your child if they have any questions, and how they feel. Often times, being understood will lead to a child's expression of emotion.Young children do not always show emotion on their face like adults do. Just because a child may not look upset or be reacting like you think they should, does not mean there is something wrong. Children take in information in bits and pieces so they may ask to go play, or repeat questions all day, or burst into tears. All possibilities are within the normal range. 

The potential for teaching empathy and compassion during these conversations are enormous.  Giving kids a sense of compassion in the face of a tragedy will teach them to ask "What can I do to help?" when they hear bad news. Being involved in a solution will help relieve some of their anxiety. Invite them to contribute by making a donation along with your family to a reputable charity. They can make a donation from their piggy bank or be given an opportunity to do extra chores to earn money.  

Most kids' fears will settle down in a couple weeks. If they last longer or you are concerned about their severity, ask your pediatrician.